And you go straight forward because as much as you know you accept the mission of being a good friend, you also know that any advice you can give: you need it too.
Here goes:
I'm so sorry for all the
bullshit you go through. I really am. I know it doesn't
change much (if anything at all) for you but I hope it helps to feel
the care in the world. It really does exist and it seems like you
haven't felt much of it in your lifetime. I know some situations never
get better and in fact, are in a perpetual fucked up state. Which is
when it becomes an inside job to accept that fucked-uppedness exists,
but you can still be happy with life as a whole. I think, however, that
whether you realize it or not: by your sheer act of reflection; you have
changed your proposed life. At least that's the way I see it. I hope
you see that too, because in my life being able to be optimistic has
been an anchor to keep me from drifting. It's not for everyone, and I'm
not trying to convince you. Just offering the possibility.
Heeh - and I just watched a TED talk about exactly that! We'll, sort of. You decide:
About this friend... Or 'friend' :)... However you see this person's functionality in your life.
It's
a tough call, friendship. I mean it's almost never anything we need it
to be and maybe only sometimes what we'd like it to be. Some friendships
are like really bad long distance relationships: you trust them because
you want to and you only have to see them on occasion. I mean. We all
want trust in our lives and will do almost anything to trick ourselves
into thinking we have it. And we always feel threatened when we think
our trust is blown - trust is so tender.
I
do have a few points I think you might be able to think about. You may
take them or leave them, but I do think it would
be beneficial for you to at least THINK on these theories. I hope I'm
not giving advice... I don't like the idea of giving advice, I hope I'm
proposing thoughts and ideas that make it possible for you to see your
situation in a more three-dimensional light. I hope. :)
First:
EVERYTHING people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them. It's never about
us. It's not about you. Whatever this person has pushed on you in
however manner it's happened: I assure you it was about her. She was not
trying to hurt you... Or at least if she was trying to hurt you - it's
still about her wanting to hurt SOMEONE and you seemed like an easy
target. People want to hurt others for millions of reasons, and it would
not benefit you to try to delve into her psyche to figure out why she
might want to hurt someone. Just think about the possibility that she is
wrapped up in her own life, as selfish (or maybe more?) as the rest of
us, for whatever reason SHE has
to interact with you she is really only thinking of herself. You really
can't blame her for that. It's like ingrained in our brains (American
brains for sure!) to "Put #1 first", "Take care of YOU then worry about
the rest of the world", stuff like that. On some level, there is some
weight in that philosophy for life. One of the side effects, however, is
that often when we try so hard to protect ourselves and make sure "I am
taken care of", we will, by default, hurt other people. And sometimes
in order to take care of ourselves we see no other way than to hurt
someone else. I'm sure you know what I mean by all that, but I'll give
you a VERY simple example:
A
homeless man has no shoes. Winter's coming. He NEEDS shoes or he will
definitely suffer frost bite. He sees someone sleeping (think subway,
bench, park, wherever, sometimes people like to snooze regardless of
their public situation). They're wearing shoes that look to be his size.
He
starts to try to take the shoes off quickly without getting caught. It
doesn't work. The shoe owner wakes up, and in a sleepy state, obviously
startled, starts to swing fists. The homeless man, feeling his
incredible need for shoes (mind you, he just wants shoes, he's not
specifically targeting THAT individual - any shoes that will fit would
do, but he's desperate), swings back.
You
can take the end of the story anywhere you want to... It's not really
about the outcome. It's about a human being who feels need so strongly
that he simply and impulsively acts on filling that need. The need is so
strong. He tries to fulfill that need without thought of harm at all,
but through the sheer selfishness of need he will inevitably hurt the
shoe owner.
What
people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them and never about us. Sounds
hokey. It's totally true. It's also a harsh reality, because once you
realize that, you realize that every shitty thing
you've done was about you: call someone stupid? <--- For whatever
reason, it's about you, it's not about them being stupid (they may not
even BE stupid).
Of
course, it is important to say that the shoe wearer should DEFINITELY
stick up for himself... He doesn't know what the homeless guy is up to.
His life could be in danger.
I
just want to make the point that JUST BECAUSE everything anyone else
says/does to us is about them does NOT mean that we shouldn't stand up
for ourselves. It's important to remember that. Maybe I'm broke and
that's my only pair of shoes. Maybe that pair of shoes has sentimental
value because it's the last thing my granny bought for me before she
passed away...
Second:
We all mess up. We all do things we're not proud of. We all have things
we know we shouldn't have done. We all know we should have apologized.
We all take that apology and sweep it under the
rug to save our own self esteem.
Maybe the person I hurt doesn't
remember. Maybe the person I hurt doesn't care, or has other things to
think about. Maybe apologizing will just bring up bad blood, maybe I'm
already forgiven and bringing things up now will just make it worse.
Regardless,
it's good to remember that YOU, yes YOU, YOU have fucked up too. I
don't know how, and I don't know when, and it's none of my business. I
just know it's true because you're human. I have stories about things
that I've done that make my blood run cold. I own my shame and I pick up
my chin and realize that if I learned anything about that it's that I
never want to do it agains(thanks, Mom).
I
feel like the mere understanding that I am just as human as anyone else
does not excuse anyone to behave badly, but it does give me the right
to understand it. It does give me the right to forgive. It does give me
the right to move along even if I keep my eye on
them.
Third: The Chipped Plate Theory.
Here's
another story. I know, I know, it may be a little gross to keep reading
these ridiculous ideas of stories, but it's the best way I know how to
relay the point I want to make.
The Chipped Plate Theory:
A
woman is invited to her newly married best friend's house for a very
swanky dinner party. Both the new groom's family and her best friend's
family are present. It's a real who's who of the new couple's life. They
are aiming to impress. They've hired an expensive chef, they've bought
vintage champagne, they've brought out real silverware and polished
silver sets, they even have a beautiful set of honest to goodness real
china dinnerware. The whole thing is really very posh. Evening gowns,
pinkies out, the whole shebang. Everything looks perfect.
They
sit down at their places at the table. she removes her namecard to sit
down, and
realizes that her plate, like no other plate at the table, has a chip
in it. She looks up at her friend for confirmation that SHE is the one
who got the ONLY chipped plate. He friend looks at her and smiles. She
counts the sitting: 11 people. A china set would have sitting for 12
people. She thinks her friend must think less of her than she thinks of
anyone else at the party. Her memory serves her stories of her best friends's sister
who did horrible things to her - her SISTER who she CANNOT stand who is
HERE tonight and sitting right across the table from her and can see
that she has a PERFECT plate! They all do! She thinks of all the dirt
her 'best friend' has dished to her over the years about all these
people. How could she ever do this to her, think less of her, give her
the chipped plate. It's just a chipped plate, but it's more than that,
she thinks: it's a representation of what she thinks of me. I wouldn't
notice the chip in the plate because I'm simple
minded and don't notice things. I wouldn't care about the chip in the
plate because she doesn't think I have as much class as the rest of
these people. Of course, give me the chipped plate, everyone else here
is family - our friendship is not as strong as family.
Feeling
lesser and lesser as dinner moves forward, the woman draws upon her
anger. She would never think these heinous things about her friend! How
dare she impose this on her: how dare she think less of her! It burns,
it hurts, her trust is gone, she is on the verge of tears. It's only a
chip, but it's more than a chip. It's a thought: the thought that of all
the people there she DESERVED the ONLY chipped plate.
She is wounded.
After
dinner everyone decides to stay for coffee. Never a poor sport, she
decides to stay. She will find an opportunity to talk to her friend
about this crime against their friendship. Everyone drinks their coffee.
Some have had too
much champagne and need help. She helps her friend provide for
everyone. After everyone leaves, she offers to help with the dishes.
While
they wash dishes she picks up the chipped plate. It's a sore reminder.
She'd almost forgotten. She holds the plate in her hand. Steady. She
says to her friend. "So. This was quite the night you and your husband
put on. You guys left no detail unturned..." She begins to list the
perfect night in detail. Her friend, very proudly says "Yeah, it really
was perfect wasn't it?" She breathes. "Yes." Still holding the chipped
plate, the now completely confirmed chipped plate (true, there WERE only
11 plates, but still), she breathes again. "I couldn't help but notice
you gave ME the only imperfect detail of the evening: this chipped
plate..." Trying to hold back tears, she breathes again and looks at her
best friend thinking 'I would NEVER give YOU the chipped plate!' Her
friend, her very best friend in the whole
world looks back at her and says "Of course I gave YOU the chipped
plate! You were the only person in the room who ISN'T an ASSHOLE! Anyone
else here tonight would have announced to everyone that there's a chip
in their plate and would have asked the whole party who serves perfect
china with chips in the plates! I knew that you were the one person I
could trust, the one person who could still enjoy a beautiful evening
even if there was a chip in your plate." Her eyes widen, she had
completely misinterpreted the whole thing. How ridiculous! Her friend
trusts and loves her more than anyone there not to judge her, not to
forsake her, not to embarrass her.
So. The Chipped Plate
Theory... It's a very simple story about how we abuse the people we care
for and trust the most because we trust them enough to allow them to
see our faults. We trust them enough to give them our only chipped plate
in an otherwise perfect dinner party.
We'd all
like to think of our lives as a perfect dinner party, but life is NOT a
perfect dinner party. Life is messy and we all have chipped plates.
Sometimes we have no choice but to serve perfect food to a perfect crowd
and still use a chipped plate. If we're lucky there's only one chipped
plate, but I'm guessing any friend has many chipped plates. I'm also
guessing that she'll trust you to take the chipped plate.
I'm speaking in metaphors, but I think you know what I mean.
Fourth:
It COULD be an honest mistake. On her part or yours. Maybe she used you
and she doesn't even realize it. Maybe she'll realize it in a few
years, who knows. Maybe you are misreading the whole interaction and
that's your honest mistake and you'll realize it in 20 years. Honest
mistakes are really difficult because in all of their honesty, they're
hard to figure out. You (or she, in this case) could go on for years
without realizing
anything was amiss, and then one day you (or she) will go 'Oh, shit, I
totally messed that up.'
Finally:
Regardless of all of that, you have to judge whether or not you want
this person involved in your life. You don't want to be abused. You
don't want to keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. You
don't want to let yourself be let down.
You
have to judge from one interaction to the next how you will proceed
with this person. If you can find a way to interact without giving too
much trust (or whatever it is you feel betrayed by), and you can
continue to care and converse without risk, go for it. If you're going
along and everything is fine, but you feel she asks too much or breeches
your trust again it is COMPLETELY fine for you to say "No", or "I'm
not comfortable doing that" or "I'm just not in a position where I can
help you in that way". It then becomes
HER prerogative to cut YOU out or not. If she does cut you out - good -
a decision was made for you AND you know the true level of her
sincerity of friendship. If you feel comfortable moving forward then you
feel comfortable moving forward. If you don't feel comfortable, you
should certainly speak up. There are ways to do that tactfully and still
maintain loyalty to a friend.
I've
given and given and given to friends before. Given until my trust was
blown and my feelings were scarred, but at some point you have to stop
and say "Wait. I don't deserve to feel this way." And at that point you
can either move forward in the situation and find a way to be
comfortable or you can realize that at this point in time there is no
way for you to be comfortable in the situation and just distance
yourself or outright tell the girl to fuck off.
It
sounds like a tough situation, and I really am sorry you're dealing
with it. I hope you find some sort of comfort zone or resolve.
I hope anything I've said is helpful.
Good
luck! And don't forget to look for the positive and try to stay
hopeful: don't let the chipped plate (even if it WAS served maliciously)
ruin your happiness. You deserve happiness.
It means a lot that you would trust me with this. Hahah! And I hope you didn't get more than you bargained for in a bad way!
Thank you,
Misty
Link of the Day:
