Day 440: Transition Time

I should have seen it coming. Months ago I started feeling the shift. Having been through this a few times in my life, I just really should have seen it coming up over the horizon.

It's a transition time for me. Not like a physical or even measurable kind of transition, but an internal one. I'm growing on the inside.

It started when I stopped nursing Mira. I think my hormonal rebalance mixed with the realization that I am not only a mother but a woman who works, thinks and who has dreams and wants to enjoy life. I didn't (like most mothers) know what to do with that. I thought "I have to live with this duality of being Mira's mom & Misty Me Miller", and maybe that's a bit true. I mean, do we, as children, ever know our parents as regular people? Tough call! I mean, I know on some level who my parents are, as people, but more than that, they are my parents. They are the people who fed me. They fed me life, food and ideals. So when I discovered that I am now this entity for another human being, I struggled not knowing how to be that, maintain that and still do ME. I felt rebellious: let the black flag fly & find some bridges to burn!

Then came the wave of depression. It kind of knocked me on my ass. Like usual. I can't muster much past the necessities, and the things I CAN muster feel so unbelievably selfish that I tailspin in self pity, revelations, and a deep darkness that is ever present (though sometimes more prevalent than others). I wallow. Internally, because I've learned that I deal better when I'm dealing with me by myself. If I bring others into the darkness, I become the depression instead of dealing with it.

Let me tell you, bouts of deep depression suck. I feel confused all the time, whiney, I dress bad and even just after I've taken a shower I feel like I'm covered in alien manure.

Now...
Well...
Now I have no idea where this transition is going with me, but I feel more clarity, I feel stronger and I feel like a clean slate. I'm grateful I realize what's going on. 

The feeling of rebellion and the depression were all steps leading me up the hill of transition. I'm at the top of the hill and I don't know what is in for me as I make my gradual descent, but I can at least see the hill now. I thought I was on a flat road there for a while.

I love life. For real.