Less is More? Sure.

I just realized I akin blogging to dating. Maybe not completely, but sort of? So you want to share, and you really want to share a lot - maybe too much, but then in the interest of self preservation, you don't want to share too much. Share a lot, but not too much. Give yourself away, but protect yourself. Give, retract, publish.

I always hated dating. You have to either know someone to date or meet someone to date then you have to, like, get to know them.
You have to let them get to know you.
You have to figure out what they like or may not like about you and shelter or hide those unlikeable things.
Oh, wait. No you don't! Hah, maybe that's why I was never good at dating? Well I guess I think the only things worth working that hard for are things you already know will have a lasting affect on you. Like family, or self, or work.

But I like blogging... I can safely practice self preservation and give away just exactly what I want to AND even if you're reading this and you hate it and you leave a comment as such: I am free to shrug my shoulders and walk on. The internet is pretty cool like that. The personal edge is gone. Somehow when I don't see your face, I extra-extra with cheese and a side of fries do not give a fat flying flip what you think! Hahah! It's so freeing! I feel like a balloon! Look at me! Look at me! I'm pretty, and floating in the sunshine and my head is full of air and only happy thoughts get through my rubbery blue translucent skin! The sunshine moves through me and I float and float freely and my mind thinks freely and is unaffected by anything it does not specifically want to be affected by!

Ahhhhhhh, a great sigh of relief. Man, I wish I could just do that balloon thing on command. I would NEVER loose my cool! Gosh, I'd just be super freaking happy ALL THE TIME!

And just annoy the ever-lovin' bejeezels out of everyone. Meh, you win some, you lose some. I'm going to work on the balloon thing. Not because I want to annoy you: I promise. Because I want to be cooler, calmer, more collected, more patient, happier, you know, all that stuff.

Besides I have a lot to be happy about. I mean, I really have A LOT to be happy for. So much. So much.

Whenever I feel hopeless and down and I have the sense to call my brother, he likes to listen to me for a minute, say "Aw, I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Sometimes I have to really think of things to be grateful for, and it's not easy when I'm really upset." Then he lets me agree with him, and usually I say something like "I know that's right, but I have no idea...." to which he asks "Do you have toilet paper?"

Boom

There it is.

And then there's also the balloon thing.

I guess I'm getting way off track here.

I'm writing about dating. I'm writing about ways to stay on the happy track. Maybe I'm writing about a little more than that. You be the judge.

And while you're judging me (  :D  ) take some time and be happy for me! I have so much to be happy for! I'm alive! I'm a mother! I have people in my life who love me! I have work! I have LOVE! I am newly engaged to be married! I have wonderful plans for the future!


Link of the day:
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20131031-a-flying-car-for-everyone

P.S. If you want to tell me what you're happy about or not happy about or just list things that make you happy or even things that make you angry: that'd be pretty cool.

Day 731: Sometimes my best advice for a friend is advice I needed all along

So, we all get the call: C'mon, you're my friend, I need a little help in life.

And you go straight forward because as much as you know you accept the mission of being a good friend, you also know that any advice you can give: you need it too.

Here goes:

I'm so sorry for all the bullshit you go through. I really am. I know it doesn't change much (if anything at all) for you but I hope it helps to feel the care in the world. It really does exist and it seems like you haven't felt much of it in your lifetime. I know some situations never get better and in fact, are in a perpetual fucked up state. Which is when it becomes an inside job to accept that fucked-uppedness exists, but you can still be happy with life as a whole. I think, however, that whether you realize it or not: by your sheer act of reflection; you have changed your proposed life. At least that's the way I see it. I hope you see that too, because in my life being able to be optimistic has been an anchor to keep me from drifting. It's not for everyone, and I'm not trying to convince you. Just offering the possibility. 

Heeh - and I just watched a TED talk about exactly that! We'll, sort of. You decide:

http://new.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are

About this friend... Or 'friend' :)... However you see this person's functionality in your life. 

It's a tough call, friendship. I mean it's almost never anything we need it to be and maybe only sometimes what we'd like it to be. Some friendships are like really bad long distance relationships: you trust them because you want to and you only have to see them on occasion. I mean. We all want trust in our lives and will do almost anything to trick ourselves into thinking we have it. And we always feel threatened when we think our trust is blown - trust is so tender.

I do have a few points I think you might be able to think about. You may take them or leave them, but I do think it would be beneficial for you to at least THINK on these theories. I hope I'm not giving advice... I don't like the idea of giving advice, I hope I'm proposing thoughts and ideas that make it possible for you to see your situation in a more three-dimensional light. I hope. :)

First: EVERYTHING people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them. It's never about us. It's not about you. Whatever this person has pushed on you in however manner it's happened: I assure you it was about her. She was not trying to hurt you... Or at least if she was trying to hurt you - it's still about her wanting to hurt SOMEONE and you seemed like an easy target. People want to hurt others for millions of reasons, and it would not benefit you to try to delve into her psyche to figure out why she might want to hurt someone. Just think about the possibility that she is wrapped up in her own life, as selfish (or maybe more?) as the rest of us, for whatever reason SHE has to interact with you she is really only thinking of herself. You really can't blame her for that. It's like ingrained in our brains (American brains for sure!) to "Put #1 first", "Take care of YOU then worry about the rest of the world", stuff like that. On some level, there is some weight in that philosophy for life. One of the side effects, however, is that often when we try so hard to protect ourselves and make sure "I am taken care of", we will, by default, hurt other people. And sometimes in order to take care of ourselves we see no other way than to hurt someone else. I'm sure you know what I mean by all that, but I'll give you a VERY simple example:

A homeless man has no shoes. Winter's coming. He NEEDS shoes or he will definitely suffer frost bite. He sees someone sleeping (think subway, bench, park, wherever, sometimes people like to snooze regardless of their public situation). They're wearing shoes that look to be his size. He starts to try to take the shoes off quickly without getting caught. It doesn't work. The shoe owner wakes up, and in a sleepy state, obviously startled, starts to swing fists. The homeless man, feeling his incredible need for shoes (mind you, he just wants shoes, he's not specifically targeting THAT individual - any shoes that will fit would do, but he's desperate), swings back.

You can take the end of the story anywhere you want to... It's not really about the outcome. It's about a human being who feels need so strongly that he simply and impulsively acts on filling that need. The need is so strong. He tries to fulfill that need without thought of harm at all, but through the sheer selfishness of need he will inevitably hurt the shoe owner.

What people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them and never about us. Sounds hokey. It's totally true. It's also a harsh reality, because once you realize that, you realize that every shitty thing you've done was about you: call someone stupid? <--- For whatever reason, it's about you, it's not about them being stupid (they may not even BE stupid).

Of course, it is important to say that the shoe wearer should DEFINITELY stick up for himself... He doesn't know what the homeless guy is up to. His life could be in danger. 

I just want to make the point that JUST BECAUSE everything anyone else says/does to us is about them does NOT mean that we shouldn't stand up for ourselves. It's important to remember that. Maybe I'm broke and that's my only pair of shoes. Maybe that pair of shoes has sentimental value because it's the last thing my granny bought for me before she passed away... 

Second: We all mess up. We all do things we're not proud of. We all have things we know we shouldn't have done. We all know we should have apologized. We all take that apology and sweep it under the rug to save our own self esteem. 

Maybe the person I hurt doesn't remember. Maybe the person I hurt doesn't care, or has other things to think about. Maybe apologizing will just bring up bad blood, maybe I'm already forgiven and bringing things up now will just make it worse.

Regardless, it's good to remember that YOU, yes YOU, YOU have fucked up too. I don't know how, and I don't know when, and it's none of my business. I just know it's true because you're human. I have stories about things that I've done that make my blood run cold. I own my shame and I pick up my chin and realize that if I learned anything about that it's that I never want to do it agains(thanks, Mom).

I feel like the mere understanding that I am just as human as anyone else does not excuse anyone to behave badly, but it does give me the right to understand it. It does give me the right to forgive. It does give me the right to move along even if I keep my eye on them.

Third: The Chipped Plate Theory.

Here's another story. I know, I know, it may be a little gross to keep reading these ridiculous ideas of stories, but it's the best way I know how to relay the point I want to make.

The Chipped Plate Theory:

A woman is invited to her newly married best friend's house for a very swanky dinner party. Both the new groom's family and her best friend's family are present. It's a real who's who of the new couple's life. They are aiming to impress. They've hired an expensive chef, they've bought vintage champagne, they've brought out real silverware and polished silver sets, they even have a beautiful set of honest to goodness real china dinnerware. The whole thing is really very posh. Evening gowns, pinkies out, the whole shebang. Everything looks perfect.

They sit down at their places at the table. she removes her namecard to sit down, and realizes that her plate, like no other plate at the table, has a chip in it. She looks up at her friend for confirmation that SHE is the one who got the ONLY chipped plate. He friend looks at her and smiles. She counts the sitting: 11 people. A china set would have sitting for 12 people. She thinks her friend must think less of her than she thinks of anyone else at the party. Her memory serves her stories of her best friends's sister who did horrible things to her - her SISTER who she CANNOT stand who is HERE tonight and sitting right across the table from her and can see that she has a PERFECT plate! They all do! She thinks of all the dirt her 'best friend' has dished to her over the years about all these people. How could she ever do this to her, think less of her, give her the chipped plate. It's just a chipped plate, but it's more than that, she thinks: it's a representation of what she thinks of me. I wouldn't notice the chip in the plate because I'm simple minded and don't notice things. I wouldn't care about the chip in the plate because she doesn't think I have as much class as the rest of these people. Of course, give me the chipped plate, everyone else here is family - our friendship is not as strong as family. 

Feeling lesser and lesser as dinner moves forward, the woman draws upon her anger. She would never think these heinous things about her friend! How dare she impose this on her: how dare she think less of her! It burns, it hurts, her trust is gone, she is on the verge of tears. It's only a chip, but it's more than a chip. It's a thought: the thought that of all the people there she DESERVED the ONLY chipped plate.

She is wounded.

After dinner everyone decides to stay for coffee. Never a poor sport, she decides to stay. She will find an opportunity to talk to her friend about this crime against their friendship. Everyone drinks their coffee. Some have had too much champagne and need help. She helps her friend provide for everyone. After everyone leaves, she offers to help with the dishes.

While they wash dishes she picks up the chipped plate. It's a sore reminder. She'd almost forgotten. She holds the plate in her hand. Steady. She says to her friend. "So. This was quite the night you and your husband put on. You guys left no detail unturned..." She begins to list the perfect night in detail. Her friend, very proudly says "Yeah, it really was perfect wasn't it?" She breathes. "Yes." Still holding the chipped plate, the now completely confirmed chipped plate (true, there WERE only 11 plates, but still), she breathes again. "I couldn't help but notice you gave ME the only imperfect detail of the evening: this chipped plate..." Trying to hold back tears, she breathes again and looks at her best friend thinking 'I would NEVER give YOU the chipped plate!' Her friend, her very best friend in the whole world looks back at her and says "Of course I gave YOU the chipped plate! You were the only person in the room who ISN'T an ASSHOLE! Anyone else here tonight would have announced to everyone that there's a chip in their plate and would have asked the whole party who serves perfect china with chips in the plates! I knew that you were the one person I could trust, the one person who could still enjoy a beautiful evening even if there was a chip in your plate." Her eyes widen, she had completely misinterpreted the whole thing. How ridiculous! Her friend trusts and loves her more than anyone there not to judge her, not to forsake her, not to embarrass her.

So. The Chipped Plate Theory... It's a very simple story about how we abuse the people we care for and trust the most because we trust them enough to allow them to see our faults. We trust them enough to give them our only chipped plate in an otherwise perfect dinner party.

We'd all like to think of our lives as a perfect dinner party, but life is NOT a perfect dinner party. Life is messy and we all have chipped plates. Sometimes we have no choice but to serve perfect food to a perfect crowd and still use a chipped plate. If we're lucky there's only one chipped plate, but I'm guessing any friend has many chipped plates. I'm also guessing that she'll trust you to take the chipped plate.

I'm speaking in metaphors, but I think you know what I mean.

Fourth: It COULD be an honest mistake. On her part or yours. Maybe she used you and she doesn't even realize it. Maybe she'll realize it in a few years, who knows. Maybe you are misreading the whole interaction and that's your honest mistake and you'll realize it in 20 years. Honest mistakes are really difficult because in all of their honesty, they're hard to figure out. You (or she, in this case) could go on for years without realizing anything was amiss, and then one day you (or she) will go 'Oh, shit, I totally messed that up.'

Finally: Regardless of all of that, you have to judge whether or not you want this person involved in your life. You don't want to be abused. You don't want to keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. You don't want to let yourself be let down.

You have to judge from one interaction to the next how you will proceed with this person. If you can find a way to interact without giving too much trust (or whatever it is you feel betrayed by), and you can continue to care and converse without risk, go for it. If you're going along and everything is fine, but you feel she asks too much or breeches your trust again it is COMPLETELY fine for you to say "No", or "I'm not comfortable doing that" or "I'm just not in a position where I can help you in that way". It then becomes HER prerogative to cut YOU out or not. If she does cut you out - good - a decision was made for you AND you know the true level of her sincerity of friendship. If you feel comfortable moving forward then you feel comfortable moving forward. If you don't feel comfortable, you should certainly speak up. There are ways to do that tactfully and still maintain loyalty to a friend.

 

I've given and given and given to friends before. Given until my trust was blown and my feelings were scarred, but at some point you have to stop and say "Wait. I don't deserve to feel this way." And at that point you can either move forward in the situation and find a way to be comfortable or you can realize that at this point in time there is no way for you to be comfortable in the situation and just distance yourself or outright tell the girl to fuck off.

It sounds like a tough situation, and I really am sorry you're dealing with it. I hope you find some sort of comfort zone or resolve. 

I hope anything I've said is helpful.

Good luck! And don't forget to look for the positive and try to stay hopeful: don't let the chipped plate (even if it WAS served maliciously) ruin your happiness. You deserve happiness. 

It means a lot that you would trust me with this. Hahah! And I hope you didn't get more than you bargained for in a bad way!

Thank you,

Misty

 

 

Link of the Day:

 http://www.good.is/posts/see-the-difference-between-organic-and-natural?utm_medium=agt&utm_source=email&utm_campaign=img&utm_content=Another%20GOOD%20Thing%3A%20What%20Does%20%E2%80%9CNatural%E2%80%9D%20Really%20Mean%3F

Day 1018:Insomnia, I laugh at you like you are the moon.

I always say I'll do this more, and I mean to. I still have the inspiration I had when I started this project, so why is it so hard to maintain a level of consistency?
Dunno.
Can't tell ya.
Don't know if it's even important!
What IS important?
Whatever you think!

Right now?         Me?
(I guess it's my blog, so if you're reading it, you don't get to actually answer before you read)
Thanks for asking! (Hahah! I'm SOOO FUNNY!)

I think it's important to think.
I think it's important to be uncomfortable.
I think it's important to realize that truth is relative. That is to say; I think it's important to know that your truth is not necessarily anyone else's truth.

I think it's important for me to recognize when I am going through yet another transition.

I think it's important for me to recognize that no matter how well or little I know another individual - they are in a constant battle with their own truth.

My truth right now is that I am going through another transition.
My truth right now is that I lose perspective if I forget I've been through about a hundred thousand transitions before.
My truth right now is that I lose perspective constantly throughout the day.
My truth right now is that though transitions change me and my truth: some of my truths remain the same. I still think that just outside of my own growth: Family and Community remain in my highest priorites.
My truth right now is that family and community are difficult!
My truth right now is that I'm in a difficult phase of mind that is creating a transition for me.
My truth right now is that I honestly do not understand my own mind.
My truth right now is
I
Love
The
Mystery
Of
Me
As
Much
As
I
Love
The
Mystery
Of
You
And mystery is terribly uncomfortable.




Link of the Day:
http://antranik.org/food-is-medicine-20-natural-painkillers-in-your-kitchen/

Day 856: Give me grafiti

Here's the thing: I love art.
If you've read my blog before you know this. Art, above money makes my world go round. It's about more than freedom of expression, it's about more than color and lines and light and dark.  It's about more than shadowing and contrasting. It's about life and love and philosophy and though I'm using words right now: words cannot express the reality portrayed in art.
Art is more than paint, sketches, photography or tattooing. Art is movement, words, poetry, litter, facial expression, AND reality. Art is life, art is nature, art is you and the love your parents have for you. Art is passing strangers on the street. Art is driving up and down the same street and seeing something new every time you do. Art is believing in things, something, anything that means more to you than your bowel movements. And to some people, art IS their daily doo. Art is true. It's also fake. It's a melody stuck in your head even when you don't know why. It's hokey, it's heart wrenching - art is everything. Art is being pissed off, art is being diplomatic, art is love. Art is love like there's only one true love for every person, but only a select 2% get to experience it. Art is unique, art is vague, art is tired and used and worn out.
Art is when you call your mom because you can't do anything else and she says the most perfect thing you could ever hear. Art is when you're lucky enough to have more than one best friend. Art is when you meet a stranger for 5minutes and it means more to you than the paycheck you earned that week. Art is when words anyone said ring in your ears like a nightmare, but you wait for it to show up.
Art is fucking. Bad fucking, good fucking, obligatory fucking, needless fucking. Fucking against trees, fucking in the parking lot, drive-way, bathroom, wherever.
Art is a brownstone, art is a dome, art is a lean-to, art is your home.
Art is birth: the process and the action. Art is life: the process and the action. Art is death: the process and the action.

So.

I've put art on my body.

I love my body. I didn't always love it. I've grown to love it. And I don't care who knows it, I don't care who doesn't agree. Fuck off if you don't like my body - I love it. And I want to art it up.

I have arted it up.

Maybe someday I'll go into my direct interpretations and reasons for each piece I have, but today isn't that day.

I hope you have a great day.

My Love,
Misty

Link of the Day:
http://iamthedoc.com/

Day 767: Elipses

May, May, go away
Come again some other day.

Oh, wait, there's still almost two weeks left of you.

Great.

Love,
Misty

Link of the day:
http://earth911.com/home-garden/grow-food-from-scraps/6/

Day 745: Ode to the simple things

Here's to the campfires,
the tickle fights,
to staying up too late,
to getting up too early,
to the end of the day,
to a fresh delivery of sand to a group of toddlers and pre-schoolers.

Here's to short love,
to freshly bloomed flowers,
to weeds, stubborn and strong,
to belief in the impossible,
to knowledge however unbelievable,
to sour cream on salsa or perogies or soft young hands, dipped right into the bowl.

Here's to you and you and you,
and to them,
and to me,
and to us,
and to ours,
and to our hair and skin and eyes and those long long nights that feel nothing but cold til the morning.



Link of the Day:
http://wildwomansisterhood.blogspot.nl/

Day 670: Ever get that creepy feeling?

Okay, so I often see elderly women who remind me so much of my Granny that in my peripheral vision, I snap judgment and think she's revisiting (she died in 2000). She was one of the most amazing people I have ever had the great luck to know. She taught me tolerance, open mindedness, what it means to feel pretty, how it feels to be alone, and how to deal with those dark parts of your soul. She didn't do any of that on purpose. She did all of that just by being herself, and by loving me and by talking to me like I could have been one of her best high school girlfriends. That time when everyone is striving to tell their truth just so they can see it for themselves as it spills out of their mouth.

And then I get to thinking about that theory that everyone we love who has passed surrounds us by being a part of other people. So, like, the way I understand it, in this theory: if you think someone looks like your granny, they actually are being partially taken over by your granny so that she can be close to you and so she can let you know she is actually still with you in a way. Alright, alright, they don't "take over" other people, but they find their likeness and make it apparent to you. I don't know if that makes sense, the way I explained it, and I also don't know the title of this "theory" or "idealism", but I do know I've heard of it. And I really like the thought of it. So, like everyone you meet who reminds you of someone long gone - you get them back! For a split second here and a minute and a half there as the woman with white hair asks you how you can tell how much you're going to have to pay for this green bell pepper. For that short time, it's like no time was lost at all. That's what I like about this theory. Or idealism, or whatever it is.

And then, because my mind wanders, and because I'm often working on distracting myself from present situations that desperately need my decisive powers: I think of people I meet, or people I see who I think I must be related to.

Weird? Yah, okay, I know you've done that too. Meet this cute so-n-so, and then they do this thing which is very unmistakably a very characteristic thing of your uncle's. All of a sudden, it's "BYE BYE GONZO!"

Like I recently worked for a woman here in NY, and as soon as she started to speak, I thought "That voice sounds familiar". Then, I notice the shape of her left eyelid and how it's a little different than the right - a characteristic I've only ever seen in my family. Well, I've only ever NOTICED in people in my family. Then we're chatting, and holy moly, she's originally from Oklahoma! I'm surreally convinced she and I are oddly related. Like she must be my great grandma's niece's kid or something. I tell her at some point that she reminds me of people in my family and she passes it off "Yeah, it's because we're from the same part of the country", but I know plenty of people from that part of the country and the only people I know with those certain characteristics belong to my family.

It's a long shot. But in my head, where I'm building my understandable and strange world, we MUST be related somehow.

And then there's this one actress who reminds me SO MUCH of one of my aunts. It's bizarre. Her manner of speaking, her hair, her thinness and the way her neck creases, it's all so very unique. It's all so very creepy. I mean, really, really really really really, there's no way! Fuckin no way! But in my head, I build these short little allowances that make it so, and BAM, we're related.

Creeeeeeeeeeepy.

But fun.

And I like it.

So there.


Link of the day:
http://www.moillusions.com/2006/06/experience-real-hallucination.html

Day 595: Lazy, you may say it's sinful, I say it's a neccessity.

In a world like the one we Americans have today, it's impossible to be lazy on accident. You have to really try to avoid news, work, family, friends, everything. In a world like today, you can be reached on the toilet, while grocery shopping at the store, while arguing with your significant other, even while camping. It's pretty hard to avoid stuff, people and responsibilities.
Heck, even on a day when I accidentally had no obligations, I still had a phone call (which I ignored because I did not recognize the number), I still made breakfast and lunch, and I will still make dinner and I will still talk to my family and friends. BUT I will NOT change out of my pajamas, I will not set foot out of my home, I will look out the window and marvel in the beauty of my surroundings from the comfort of my home while using my electronic devices purely for pleasure rather than for education, work or anything else, dammit.

I need days like today. Like, I really mean it, I need them. If I don't have a lazy day happen for me for too long, I get disconnected, I can't think, I don't remember to do the basics for myself, I am constantly frustrated and I just hate life. So far, I've been lucky! So far I've only had to deal with about a month of all the horribleness of not having a lazy day, but believe me, a month is long enough!

Talking to a friend at work a few weeks ago, she admitted to being lazy lately because of some thing or another. But I happen to know this woman is a diligent doer! She should have a laZy freakin day, she deserves it. I think a holiday might even be in order for her. Shit, I need one too! I could go somewhere beautiful where I don't have to clean, I don't have to take care of or worry about another human being. I get to go have my food prepared for me and I have nothing but entertainment and pleasing aesthetics everywhere I turn. And by holiday I don't mean Easter or Christmas or anything, I mean a REAL holiday, where you celebrate nothing and go somewhere where you really have the opportunity to enjoy.

I usually get a twinge of guilt after a lazy day. Like I don't do enough. Like I should have taken that opportunity to do more. Like I could have had this, this, this, this and that done if I'd have decided to take priority over lazy. But fuck that. I mean really. I need lazy, and I don't care who knows it. And I don't care who doesn't like it! Seems to me if you're judging me over my lazy day, it's more about you than it is about me, so you have fun with that judgement whoever you are.

Besides, I live my life for me. I live my life for my daughter and my family. I decide what is important and when it is important and why it is important. It's not up to anyone else. And that's a good thing! I do work hard, I do LIKE to work hard, I love to get in the zone and stay busy. But I don't need any of that to get by, it's just how I LIKE to spend most of my time: busy.

But...
I NEED LAZY.

One thought for the judgmental types: It's okay if you want to be judgy, just remember that there is a difference between being observational and being judgy. K?


Link of the day:
http://solarfamilyfarm.com/?p=560

Today, you get two, just because I want to:
http://undergroundhealthreporter.com/

We might as well make it three. Three IS the majic number:
http://jacksonpollock.org/

Day 561: Oh, Child.

So, Mira's doing that thing all kids do: grow.
She's not only HUGE for her age (the size of a 4 year old and not quite 2.5), but she's doing the other types of growing.
She's not really into talking much.
She's very mischevious (in the sweetest way possible, of course!).
She is completely independent.
This girl does NOT like to have attention called to her, but she loves attention when she brings it on herself.
And boy, oh boy, is she a clever vixen!

In our living room, I have about a 4ft x 10ft area quartered off for my "office/studio/craft supply" area, and in that area, there are stashes of bubble wrap. First, I'll ask you - who doesn't love bubble wrap? Right, everyone. Then I'll ask you - what proper 2 year old would be able to resist it? Right, not one single 2 year old would be able to resist it. So, every chance she gets, if I'm in the kitchen, or engrossed on the computer, or in the shower or changing my clothes or otherwise disposed, I hear the crinkle of plastic between tiny fingers and subtle pops. Wherever I am, I usually call out "Step away from the bubble wrap!" and the crinkling stops... for a minute or two. Of course, this office area is also the most favorite place for our kitty to take his mid day naps in the sunshine, on a shelf that is just the same height as our windowsills. Our window sills are about 2 feet from the floor, so this provides a perfect height for Mira to join her kitty buddy for a little gazing out the window and slap and tickle time. These are also prime opportunities to "play" with the bubble wrap. So, today, when they were in their corner, sharing their fun times together and I heard a little crinkle of plastic, I snapped my neck to look around at her and see what she was up to. She totally knew what was coming, so she looked up at me innocently as if to say "I'm not playing with bubble wrap", upon confirmation, I said "You're fine." to which she answered "I know." and went on about her business.

Well!

Then last night after a game of  "take every single book off the shelf and knock it onto the floor", I asked her "Do you want to pick up your books and put them back on the shelf?" and SHE COUNTER OFFERED ME! She asked me, without missing a beat "Do you wanna cook?" I was shocked! I'm still shocked!

Then there's the plain to see idea that clothes are completely inappropriate and should be banned in at least 12 states, but shoes and coats are fine.

And if you ask her if she wants a bath, she'll tell you "No", but 10 minutes later, when it's her idea she'll ask you "Bath?"

We're winding down from the terrible twos, but they sure do like to rear their scary head here and there.

We've jumped over the major bloodfest hurdle already too, after Mira went running out of the kitchen, tripped on her own feet and went sailing through the air head first into the doorjamb where a vacant hinge was waiting to greet her forehead with open arms. Funniest thing about that is that she climbs on everything, jumps off like she thinks she's a flying squirrel and lands fine, but she does a simple sprint out of the kitchen and the next thing you know you're wondering if it's time for stitches or a helmet.

It's so fun to see her grow and watch her trying different things to see what works and try to remember what worked the last time. She's totally interested in cooking now, which makes me very happy - I can entertain her while I cook instead of hoping the books and animals would help me out til dinner was ready. She still loves her letters and numbers, and plop a notebook in front of her with a few pencils and she gives a sigh like she hasn't seen home in a week and goes to work. I love her wit, I appreciate her quietness and good grief, do I just admire the shit out of this kid. She's amazing. They're all amazing.

Day 491: Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy Happy!

Stuff that makes me happy:
Family
Good Friends
Food
Fresh Air
Small Surprises
Information

Stuff that makes me unhappy:
Ridiculousness
Being Placated
Being Wet
Throwing things away
Running Late


The things that are making me happiest lately?
Being with my lovely little family. Summers are tough for us - We are more like single parents than a family unit because of our hectic work schedules, so when we have the chance to all be together, it is absolutely enjoyable.

Spending time with good friends. I have been so lucky to have spent truly quality time with some of the most amazing people I've ever met in my whole life. Seriously: my soul weeps with joy from knowing these people, and when I get to hang out with them, I feel like a very very very very lucky girl.

Coconut oil, garlic, ginger, lavender, rosemary, vanilla and fresh made juice, and fresh produce.


And I don't want to talk about the stuff that makes me unhappy, because, well, it makes me unhappy and I don't want to talk about it!


Link of the Day:
http://jennamarblesblog.com/

Day 487 : Running this race all by yourself, Kid.

Have you ever noticed - or maybe you are like this yourself - that there are people in this world who are extremely competitive?
I mean, extremely.
They have to be the fastest person on the road : no one can pass them.
They have to be first in line : they'll do just about anything to get somewhere before it opens, or leave a concert 20 minutes early to "beat the rush". (and not because they don't like to wait in lines, they just can't seem to allow themselves to be around all those losers at the same time, much less be caught in a stream of traffic with them - because, in their eyes, he who left 3rd might as well as left last because "nanny-nanny-boo-boo, you're stuck in traffic for 20 minutes now!")
They have to be the best (and I do mean THE BEST) at everything: cooking, working, walking (yeah, I said walking - you know what I'm talking about as someone tries to mask a casual glance at your gait then decides they have to change theirs to make it better than yours), talking, arguing, mudslinging - you freaking name it and they are trying to beat you at it.

And these people will go to extreme measures to "get to the top", and if they think you're below them, they'll expect you to help them get there. They'll ask "Uh, hey, would you mind..." and if you're like "Dude, I'm busy." they'll get totally ripped and snippy and comment on how worthless your efforts are like, "Seriously? You REALLY need to eat that box of Lucky Charms right now? That's ridiculous when I need you to help me put my treadmill in my trunk so I can run on my lunchbreak."

They'll bring up stuff like recipes in an innocent enough way, saying "Have you ever made stir-fry?" and when you're like "Sure! I love to make stir-fry! I like to put water chestnuts in, they're my ..." they'll cut you off to insert their own winning agenda "Yeah, but do you cut your own fresh vegetables (insert stinky face and low approving tone)or do you use those frozen mixed precut super duper cheap and amazingly convenient bags of vegetables to make it with?" Knowing full well that you prefer fresh veggies to anything even slightly processed, so when you answer with "Actually, no, I don't mind cutting..." Cut off again because the conversation was never really an actual conversation at all, but really just a platform for the competitor to show how much they are winning at life over you or anyone else who is (insert stinky face and approving tone) cutting up their own fresh vegetables for stir fry.

Not actual circumstances (I hope), but I think you get the point of my example.

Which I only bring up because I don't get it. I mean, I'm not running that race with these compettitors, but from all observations it would appear that they think I am.
And I don't mean to knock it : competitive natures can be very influential and motivating.

I just don't understand it.

But then again, I've never been that competitive unless I'm playing cards or a board game.

The rest of life for me is just an intertwining mess of experiences to be analyzed and mulled over and wondered about. Competitive natures being one of those things I've been experiencing a lot of lately.



Link of the Day:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=endscreen&NR=1&v=JB7jSFeVz1U

Day 485 : Raw

There's no doubt about it: Raw is great.
Raw emotion
Raw talent
Raw food

It's all good.

So, to further my efforts for a healthier life, I'm trying to incorporate more raw foods into my diet and my family's diet.

I've resolved to eat either one raw meal a day or at least one raw side dish with at least one meal a day. I'm also trying to include 1 meatless day to my family's diet, or at least 1 meatless dinner a week. It isn't as difficult as it sounds it just requires a slight stray of thought from prepackaged food to "I can totally peel carrots & cut up a cucumber just as easily as I can heat up that package of corn." The nutritional advantages there alone are worth the effort, not to mention the 5 minutes. That's what I'm trying to do for my family, but really for myself, I'm trying to go meatless entirely. I don't know if I'll succeed at that or not, but I definitely feel like I want to try. I also think that the act of just trying to eliminate meat will at least help me reduce the amount of meat I eat.

And wheat, I want to reduce wheat too - replaced with more oats, quinoa and rice. I've already switched all the pasta in our house from wheat pasta to either rice, beans or quinoa pasta. None of this is easy to start, but it's certainly not difficult to carry on once you've done the research.

The other thing I'm realizing is that it's just a different kind of lifestyle to
       A) include more raw food 
       B) reduce the amount of meat in our diet.

I think it will only help my efforts to create a healthier world for my family.
Plus, I'm still trying to lose weight from my pregnancy.
Still.
Losing weight by changing your eating habits is a slow process, but I can honestly say it's felt worth the wait so far. (Pun intended)


Link of the Day:
https://rawforbeauty.3dcartstores.com/

Day 457: The small stuff.

Someone recently told me I don't update my blog, they didn't know what I was up to.

I can see that, I mean I wait until I really really need to get something out or until I just can't wait to share something or whatever, I don't share the small stuff.

And not even a good deal of the big stuff either!

So, here's a little mix:

Last month I started painting (like on canvas) I always wanted to, and I always thought I had decent ideas - or at least ideas I wanted to express anyway. So, I finally dug out the brushes and canvas boards, gesso, paints and pencils and got on with it. I'm pleased with what I've accomplished: I've painted both my logos, and completed two others. I'm currently working on two pieces and have concepts for three more. It makes me very happy and I am hopefully adding to my inventory to give Mamo's a delightful reopening in February.

Mira and I went to Gilbert Lake today to swim, play in the sand and meet up with Mira's Grandma Margie. On the walkway down to the beach area, I hit the one small place in the whole entire walkway where there is the potential for a topple over situation. And I toppled. Oh, man, did I ever topple. I was walking along, holding Mira's hand and I tried to shake her loose on my way down, but because she's such a good girl, she was squeezing nice and tight, so I just knocked her down with me. She cried, I laughed, we both have skinned knees. But we're both totally fine, really.

I'm trying, really trying to get some kind of a summer glow happening. Haven't had much of one of those in oh, probably close to two decades. Especially not on my legs - two years ago, during pregnancy I managed a little brown glow on my nose and shoulders, but not my legs. So, yeah, I'm doing everything I can to get a bit of that going on on the lower limbs. So far it's not working: I don't even get a burn, just stay pale and ghostly white.

I have a jalapeno growing, two tomatoes, and two clusters of grape (black grape) tomatoes. I am very very excited about my small but promising bounty.

I'm thinking about trying to do a food diary and a time study for one month. Being that I'm fairly forgetful until I've created a habit, I think it will probably take me one month of practice before I actually start the real month. During the practice month, I want to do another juice cleanse of at least 4 days. It changed my life the first time and I'm aching for the feelings of cleansed release from food. I realize that food is nothing for most people to fear, but I am terrified of food - I am powerless over food. Sounds ridiculous, I'm sure, but I'm just being truthful.

And now, I sign off for the day.



Link of the Day:
http://www.nytimes.com/2012/01/10/health/elderly-experts-share-life-advice-in-cornell-project.html?_r=2&pagewanted=all

Day 447: It was a bright and shiny afternoon.

So the other day, I left work after a full day of slinging cardboard boxes in my then dirty grey tanktop, got in my old, rusty, filthy Subaru, put on WTF with Marc Maron (podcast) and started my hour long drive for home.
I saw a hitch hiker a few miles from work.
I waved, shrugged, as if to say "Sorry, Dude! I'm a woman in her car by herself, very tired after a long day of work and I gotta get home to my family!"
I looked in my rear view mirror, saw him sweatily raise his thumb at the next car behind me and thought "Bahhh, he'll be alright. Surely someone will stop and take pity on a middle aged dude with a bald head, full beard and tie-dyed t-shirt on a super hot day"
And I kept driving.
Then the guilt set in. I thought "He kind of looked like my good friend, So N So. I bet he's an alright dude if he looks like my friend So N So. I wonder what he's doing hitching a ride like that. Probably just trying to get to the middle of nowhere from the airport in Albany."
And I kept driving.
Then more guilt set in "Why didn't I stop and pick that guy up, anyway? Because I'm afraid. I'm afraid I won't get home fast enough and my family will say FUCK IT and leave me. I'm afraid this random guy who I don't know will harm me in some way. I'm afraid of this guy. I'm afraid of some guy who is just a fellow human being as far as I'm concerned: a guy who's never done anything to harm me in any way."
And that got me wondering about my faith in humanity. I mean I try to have it, I express that I think other people should have it. Is there some reason I don't.
Uh yeah. There are plenty of reasons I shouldn't have it, but I'm still hanging in there. I'm still hanging on to the faith that humanity is wholesome and good.
So I turned around.
I drove the several miles back to the turnaround where I could get back on the other side of the highway and pick that sweaty hitch hiker up.
I pulled over, I said "Sorry I didn't pick you up before, but then I thought about how you look like my friend So N So and I thought it's so fucking hot today, and I had to turn around and come pick you up"
He was glad I did, said Sunday's not a good day for hitch hikin', everybody's out travelin' with their families. His brother never picked him up from Albany, he's going to Richfield, his dog just ran away, he used to drive some equipment, blah blah blah and stranger silence all the way to the Stewarts in Richfield where he was hoping to charge his phone and get ahold of his asshole brother who left him stranded before.

I took a leap of faith in humanity. And it worked out.

I'm not condoning hitch hiking or picking up hitch hikers.

I'm just telling about a time I actively participated in my faith in humanity. A positive experience where everything worked out.



Link of the Day:
http://www.wtfpod.com/podcast

Day 442: Shiny Memories

We went swimming last week at Gilbert Lake. I love that place. The water is so clean and beautiful and cool. As we were leaving I saw a group of young girls, three of four of them. They were hiding their shoes in some tall grass mixed with tall simple white flowers. They were worried someone by the shore might try to snag their shoes. I thought the likelihood of the shoes getting mauled by a mower was more likely than getting stolen, but I could relate to the girls anyway. Being young, traveling by foot with some peers in some state park, headed for water, fun and adventure. The possibilities were endless with the sun shining, the lush vegetation and the sparkling water. Seeing those girls chatting away to each other, rustling in the flowers and grass was a beautiful sight. It made me feel happy and young too, wishing for adventurous times. Everything about those girls seemed to sparkle. And in my memory, those times for me seemed shiny too.


Well today I had another beautiful day. And I was on foot with a peer and even though we're past 30, and we're traveling with children of our own now, I felt sparkly. I saw our kids having fun and they seemed sparkly. I had conversations with my friend and the words came out of her mouth all sparkly.


I didn't actually realize it until later, but we were making shiny memories, all covered in youth and the unknown and adventure and sunshine mixed with water.






Link of the Day:
http://www.ommegang.com/#!events

Day 440: Transition Time

I should have seen it coming. Months ago I started feeling the shift. Having been through this a few times in my life, I just really should have seen it coming up over the horizon.

It's a transition time for me. Not like a physical or even measurable kind of transition, but an internal one. I'm growing on the inside.

It started when I stopped nursing Mira. I think my hormonal rebalance mixed with the realization that I am not only a mother but a woman who works, thinks and who has dreams and wants to enjoy life. I didn't (like most mothers) know what to do with that. I thought "I have to live with this duality of being Mira's mom & Misty Me Miller", and maybe that's a bit true. I mean, do we, as children, ever know our parents as regular people? Tough call! I mean, I know on some level who my parents are, as people, but more than that, they are my parents. They are the people who fed me. They fed me life, food and ideals. So when I discovered that I am now this entity for another human being, I struggled not knowing how to be that, maintain that and still do ME. I felt rebellious: let the black flag fly & find some bridges to burn!

Then came the wave of depression. It kind of knocked me on my ass. Like usual. I can't muster much past the necessities, and the things I CAN muster feel so unbelievably selfish that I tailspin in self pity, revelations, and a deep darkness that is ever present (though sometimes more prevalent than others). I wallow. Internally, because I've learned that I deal better when I'm dealing with me by myself. If I bring others into the darkness, I become the depression instead of dealing with it.

Let me tell you, bouts of deep depression suck. I feel confused all the time, whiney, I dress bad and even just after I've taken a shower I feel like I'm covered in alien manure.

Now...
Well...
Now I have no idea where this transition is going with me, but I feel more clarity, I feel stronger and I feel like a clean slate. I'm grateful I realize what's going on. 

The feeling of rebellion and the depression were all steps leading me up the hill of transition. I'm at the top of the hill and I don't know what is in for me as I make my gradual descent, but I can at least see the hill now. I thought I was on a flat road there for a while.

I love life. For real.

Day 435: Mom, Mommy, Mombo, Momma, Mi, Mawmaw

Yesterday I celebrated with my daughter, who turned two years old.
She wanted a piece of bread for breakfast. No cereal, no egg, no toast, just bread. Which was the first time that's ever happened.
It's like she knew it was a special day and she could make any odd request she wanted.
I often try (very hard) not to write about my daughter, or about being a mother. I love my daughter and I LOVE being a mother, but I know that not everyone else wants to read about it. I also know that if Mira were to one day read all this, she might be more interested in the role she didn't play in my life. I hope that she feels like she knows enough about that already.. I hope I fulfill her needs for love and affection enough that she doesn't ache for more when she's older.
But part of me knows that's not possible. We always want more from our parents than they can offer. It's part of the human struggle.

Being a mom is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. Having Mira gave me perspective for progress. Looking around I saw plenty of other people who had perspective to grow and have success without children. I never really had that though. I just wanted to live, reasonably comfortably, experience some things and learn about loving life.
My schedule revolved around work, not meaningful work, just the kind of work you acquire to get by or to get ahead.
Now my schedule revolves around Mira (and work too, but only one job), family time and my own personal business ventures.
Notice the first piece is Mira. I love her so much. I love hanging out with her, talking with her, teaching her, tickling her, laughing with her, helping her work with me around the house.

And I couldn't be more proud.
This kid, she's amazing.
I know they're all amazing, but I think I'm allowed to feel like my own child is the most amazing.
Mira is kind, loving, sensitive, thoughtful and smart. Selfish, of course, but that's okay, we need a little bit of selfish in all of us to be healthy.
I have to brag a little. I just have to.
This kid knows her alphabet verbally and visually.
She can now without faltering count to ten too!
She's just barely two!
She knows most of her color names and is totally into art.
She's so amazing.
I'm so lucky to have had her.

I miss her when we're apart, I worry when she's leaving a room and I can't wait to see her next.

I cherish every single minute with her -even the tough ones and I'm blown away at how much I look forward to and love when she grows.

Love your kids. Look through those tough times, love all the times you have with them or you'll miss the opportunity to see how wonderful they are. Realize that you can live your life and still love them, teach them and give to them. When you give your kids more than you think you have, you grow as a person and you realize you have so much more than you ever thought you could.

Day 414:

So.
A few years ago.
I learned.
Everyone I love.
Leaves me.


And if they haven't yet, I'm resigned to the knowledge that they will.
And you will too.

The realization came all in one 3 month period where like 9 people I loved, cared about and who helped truly shape me in various ways all left. For different places at different times and for completely different reasons, but it seriously felt like every week another person was leaving.

You know what, good for them, it's not about me.
But seriously - why does it have to be EVERYONE I GET CLOSE TO?

Either they leave me or I leave them.

It's just strange.

I mean, right now, the mainstays in my life are Brendan and Mira. Mira will leave for sure. I'm mostly certain Brendan will stay, and that's what I have my heart set on.

But so far history has had a different lesson for me.

I guess we'll see.


As a side note, I have an idea about a great way to germinate seeds indoors without using soil.

As another side note: I'm working on more handmade goods. I love making things.

As the last side note for the day: I bought the paint required to paint my doula logo. Bright, shiny, healthy starts.
For real.


Link of the day:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Love_You  

Day 402: When I was very young....

One day when I was very young (maybe 8), I went to work with my mom for an afternoon. I loved going there, people talked to me a lot about all kinds of interesting things that most other people didn't bother talking to me about. I don't remember a lot of the details surrounding these days in general, but there is one day I remember particularly well.
Some elderly gentleman was for some reason in the same room as me. No one else, just he and I. I was nervously hanging around, waiting to see if anything interesting would happen as a result of being alone with someone so much my senior - I'm thinking he must have been in his 70's, this man. I don't remember striking up a conversation with him, and I don't even remember if it was in context, but I clearly remember him passing on a tidbit of wisdom my way.
He said,
"You'll know you're getting old when it feels like a lot of the people you know or have known, are dead or dying."


Some days I feel really old.


Link of the Day: Check it out if you want, pass it by if you don't. Pass it along if you feel, but please, please don't be a heel.
http://www.learnvest.com/2012/05/can-you-lose-your-job-for-liking-something-on-facebook-123/

Day 399: On Demons

I hear people say "Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer."

 Which instantly makes me paranoid, like I hope they don't mean I'm an enemy & they're just letting me know where I stand in some weird way.

Then I turn introspective. I can't find personal context for that. Because for me to accept the idea of "keep your enemies closer" I have to understand the process of it.
So, in my mind, I'm envisioning how a person keeps his enemies closer: you have to identify someone as your enemy, your nemesis, a demon, as someone who is out to get you. You then have to learn enough about them to form a relationship with them. You have to actually follow through and form that relationship and be nice about it so they don't mind "keeping you close". Then you have to maintain that level of close relationship with that person who you don't like who you think is out to get you and who you really don't ever actually want to have in your life at all. 


And let's face it: we all have these people in our lives at one time or another; these Demons.

And then you have to live with the lie that you are actively learning about and being nice to someone that you potentially wish you never knew in the first place.


I don't get it. I really don't get it. I mean, I understand the process, I guess I understand the goal, but...
I think this is so difficult for me to understand because my biggest demons are within me.
I have no choice but to keep them even closer than friends.
And I really, really REALLY wish that weren't the case.


Besides, I can deal with people I don't want to be around. I just walk away, or give the short answer and wait out the moments they've crossed my path. I have a complete disregard for negativity in my life. There's really so much of it around that I don't contend with the idea that keeping negative forces close to me in any capacity would or could be helpful to me in any way.


But I suppose I understand the people who do. I mean, fear makes us do very strange things. Fear and love both, right? Do you think if they were people, fear and love; do you think they'd be friends?







Link of the Day:
Look at it or don't, there's no need to criticize.
 http://mashuavoiceforthevoiceless.blogspot.com/2012/01/10-year-old-girl-in-kenya-needs.html