We went swimming last week at Gilbert Lake. I love that place. The
water is so clean and beautiful and cool. As we were leaving I saw a
group of young girls, three of four of them. They were hiding their
shoes in some tall grass mixed with tall simple white flowers. They were
worried someone by the shore might try to snag their shoes. I thought
the likelihood of the shoes getting mauled by a mower was more likely
than getting stolen, but I could relate to the girls anyway. Being
young, traveling by foot with some peers in some state park, headed for
water, fun and adventure. The possibilities were endless with the sun
shining, the lush vegetation and the sparkling water. Seeing those girls
chatting away to each other, rustling in the flowers and grass was a
beautiful sight. It made me feel happy and young too, wishing for
adventurous times. Everything about those girls seemed to sparkle. And
in my memory, those times for me seemed shiny too.
Well today I had another beautiful day. And I was on foot with a
peer and even though we're past 30, and we're traveling with children of
our own now, I felt sparkly. I saw our kids having fun and they seemed
sparkly. I had conversations with my friend and the words came out of
her mouth all sparkly.
I didn't actually realize it until later, but we were making
shiny memories, all covered in youth and the unknown and adventure and
sunshine mixed with water.
Link of the Day:
http://www.ommegang.com/#!events
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Day 440: Transition Time
I should have seen it coming. Months ago I started feeling the shift.
Having been through this a few times in my life, I just really should
have seen it coming up over the horizon.
It's a transition time for me. Not like a physical or even measurable kind of transition, but an internal one. I'm growing on the inside.
It started when I stopped nursing Mira. I think my hormonal rebalance mixed with the realization that I am not only a mother but a woman who works, thinks and who has dreams and wants to enjoy life. I didn't (like most mothers) know what to do with that. I thought "I have to live with this duality of being Mira's mom & Misty Me Miller", and maybe that's a bit true. I mean, do we, as children, ever know our parents as regular people? Tough call! I mean, I know on some level who my parents are, as people, but more than that, they are my parents. They are the people who fed me. They fed me life, food and ideals. So when I discovered that I am now this entity for another human being, I struggled not knowing how to be that, maintain that and still do ME. I felt rebellious: let the black flag fly & find some bridges to burn!
Then came the wave of depression. It kind of knocked me on my ass. Like usual. I can't muster much past the necessities, and the things I CAN muster feel so unbelievably selfish that I tailspin in self pity, revelations, and a deep darkness that is ever present (though sometimes more prevalent than others). I wallow. Internally, because I've learned that I deal better when I'm dealing with me by myself. If I bring others into the darkness, I become the depression instead of dealing with it.
Let me tell you, bouts of deep depression suck. I feel confused all the time, whiney, I dress bad and even just after I've taken a shower I feel like I'm covered in alien manure.
Now...
Well...
Now I have no idea where this transition is going with me, but I feel more clarity, I feel stronger and I feel like a clean slate. I'm grateful I realize what's going on.
The feeling of rebellion and the depression were all steps leading me up the hill of transition. I'm at the top of the hill and I don't know what is in for me as I make my gradual descent, but I can at least see the hill now. I thought I was on a flat road there for a while.
I love life. For real.
It's a transition time for me. Not like a physical or even measurable kind of transition, but an internal one. I'm growing on the inside.
It started when I stopped nursing Mira. I think my hormonal rebalance mixed with the realization that I am not only a mother but a woman who works, thinks and who has dreams and wants to enjoy life. I didn't (like most mothers) know what to do with that. I thought "I have to live with this duality of being Mira's mom & Misty Me Miller", and maybe that's a bit true. I mean, do we, as children, ever know our parents as regular people? Tough call! I mean, I know on some level who my parents are, as people, but more than that, they are my parents. They are the people who fed me. They fed me life, food and ideals. So when I discovered that I am now this entity for another human being, I struggled not knowing how to be that, maintain that and still do ME. I felt rebellious: let the black flag fly & find some bridges to burn!
Then came the wave of depression. It kind of knocked me on my ass. Like usual. I can't muster much past the necessities, and the things I CAN muster feel so unbelievably selfish that I tailspin in self pity, revelations, and a deep darkness that is ever present (though sometimes more prevalent than others). I wallow. Internally, because I've learned that I deal better when I'm dealing with me by myself. If I bring others into the darkness, I become the depression instead of dealing with it.
Let me tell you, bouts of deep depression suck. I feel confused all the time, whiney, I dress bad and even just after I've taken a shower I feel like I'm covered in alien manure.
Now...
Well...
Now I have no idea where this transition is going with me, but I feel more clarity, I feel stronger and I feel like a clean slate. I'm grateful I realize what's going on.
The feeling of rebellion and the depression were all steps leading me up the hill of transition. I'm at the top of the hill and I don't know what is in for me as I make my gradual descent, but I can at least see the hill now. I thought I was on a flat road there for a while.
I love life. For real.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Day 435: Mom, Mommy, Mombo, Momma, Mi, Mawmaw
Yesterday I celebrated with my daughter, who turned two years old.
She wanted a piece of bread for breakfast. No cereal, no egg, no toast, just bread. Which was the first time that's ever happened.
It's like she knew it was a special day and she could make any odd request she wanted.
I often try (very hard) not to write about my daughter, or about being a mother. I love my daughter and I LOVE being a mother, but I know that not everyone else wants to read about it. I also know that if Mira were to one day read all this, she might be more interested in the role she didn't play in my life. I hope that she feels like she knows enough about that already.. I hope I fulfill her needs for love and affection enough that she doesn't ache for more when she's older.
But part of me knows that's not possible. We always want more from our parents than they can offer. It's part of the human struggle.
Being a mom is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. Having Mira gave me perspective for progress. Looking around I saw plenty of other people who had perspective to grow and have success without children. I never really had that though. I just wanted to live, reasonably comfortably, experience some things and learn about loving life.
My schedule revolved around work, not meaningful work, just the kind of work you acquire to get by or to get ahead.
Now my schedule revolves around Mira (and work too, but only one job), family time and my own personal business ventures.
Notice the first piece is Mira. I love her so much. I love hanging out with her, talking with her, teaching her, tickling her, laughing with her, helping her work with me around the house.
And I couldn't be more proud.
This kid, she's amazing.
I know they're all amazing, but I think I'm allowed to feel like my own child is the most amazing.
Mira is kind, loving, sensitive, thoughtful and smart. Selfish, of course, but that's okay, we need a little bit of selfish in all of us to be healthy.
I have to brag a little. I just have to.
This kid knows her alphabet verbally and visually.
She can now without faltering count to ten too!
She's just barely two!
She knows most of her color names and is totally into art.
She's so amazing.
I'm so lucky to have had her.
I miss her when we're apart, I worry when she's leaving a room and I can't wait to see her next.
I cherish every single minute with her -even the tough ones and I'm blown away at how much I look forward to and love when she grows.
Love your kids. Look through those tough times, love all the times you have with them or you'll miss the opportunity to see how wonderful they are. Realize that you can live your life and still love them, teach them and give to them. When you give your kids more than you think you have, you grow as a person and you realize you have so much more than you ever thought you could.
She wanted a piece of bread for breakfast. No cereal, no egg, no toast, just bread. Which was the first time that's ever happened.
It's like she knew it was a special day and she could make any odd request she wanted.
I often try (very hard) not to write about my daughter, or about being a mother. I love my daughter and I LOVE being a mother, but I know that not everyone else wants to read about it. I also know that if Mira were to one day read all this, she might be more interested in the role she didn't play in my life. I hope that she feels like she knows enough about that already.. I hope I fulfill her needs for love and affection enough that she doesn't ache for more when she's older.
But part of me knows that's not possible. We always want more from our parents than they can offer. It's part of the human struggle.
Being a mom is seriously the best thing that has ever happened to me. Having Mira gave me perspective for progress. Looking around I saw plenty of other people who had perspective to grow and have success without children. I never really had that though. I just wanted to live, reasonably comfortably, experience some things and learn about loving life.
My schedule revolved around work, not meaningful work, just the kind of work you acquire to get by or to get ahead.
Now my schedule revolves around Mira (and work too, but only one job), family time and my own personal business ventures.
Notice the first piece is Mira. I love her so much. I love hanging out with her, talking with her, teaching her, tickling her, laughing with her, helping her work with me around the house.
And I couldn't be more proud.
This kid, she's amazing.
I know they're all amazing, but I think I'm allowed to feel like my own child is the most amazing.
Mira is kind, loving, sensitive, thoughtful and smart. Selfish, of course, but that's okay, we need a little bit of selfish in all of us to be healthy.
I have to brag a little. I just have to.
This kid knows her alphabet verbally and visually.
She can now without faltering count to ten too!
She's just barely two!
She knows most of her color names and is totally into art.
She's so amazing.
I'm so lucky to have had her.
I miss her when we're apart, I worry when she's leaving a room and I can't wait to see her next.
I cherish every single minute with her -even the tough ones and I'm blown away at how much I look forward to and love when she grows.
Love your kids. Look through those tough times, love all the times you have with them or you'll miss the opportunity to see how wonderful they are. Realize that you can live your life and still love them, teach them and give to them. When you give your kids more than you think you have, you grow as a person and you realize you have so much more than you ever thought you could.
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