From the Desk of Misty Miller: 2014

I just realized I akin blogging to dating. Maybe not completely, but sort of? So you want to share, and you really want to share a lot - maybe too much, but then in the interest of self preservation, you don't want to share too much. Share a lot, but not too much. Give yourself away, but protect yourself. Give, retract, publish.

I always hated dating. You have to either know someone to date or meet someone to date then you have to, like, get to know them.
You have to let them get to know you.
You have to figure out what they like or may not like about you and shelter or hide those unlikeable things.
Oh, wait. No you don't! Hah, maybe that's why I was never good at dating? Well I guess I think the only things worth working that hard for are things you already know will have a lasting affect on you. Like family, or self, or work.

But I like blogging... I can safely practice self preservation and give away just exactly what I want to AND even if you're reading this and you hate it and you leave a comment as such: I am free to shrug my shoulders and walk on. The internet is pretty cool like that. The personal edge is gone. Somehow when I don't see your face, I extra-extra with cheese and a side of fries do not give a fat flying flip what you think! Hahah! It's so freeing! I feel like a balloon! Look at me! Look at me! I'm pretty, and floating in the sunshine and my head is full of air and only happy thoughts get through my rubbery blue translucent skin! The sunshine moves through me and I float and float freely and my mind thinks freely and is unaffected by anything it does not specifically want to be affected by!

Ahhhhhhh, a great sigh of relief. Man, I wish I could just do that balloon thing on command. I would NEVER loose my cool! Gosh, I'd just be super freaking happy ALL THE TIME!

And just annoy the ever-lovin' bejeezels out of everyone. Meh, you win some, you lose some. I'm going to work on the balloon thing. Not because I want to annoy you: I promise. Because I want to be cooler, calmer, more collected, more patient, happier, you know, all that stuff.

Besides I have a lot to be happy about. I mean, I really have A LOT to be happy for. So much. So much.

Whenever I feel hopeless and down and I have the sense to call my brother, he likes to listen to me for a minute, say "Aw, I'm sorry you're so unhappy. Sometimes I have to really think of things to be grateful for, and it's not easy when I'm really upset." Then he lets me agree with him, and usually I say something like "I know that's right, but I have no idea...." to which he asks "Do you have toilet paper?"

Boom

There it is.

And then there's also the balloon thing.

I guess I'm getting way off track here.

I'm writing about dating. I'm writing about ways to stay on the happy track. Maybe I'm writing about a little more than that. You be the judge.

And while you're judging me ( :D ) take some time and be happy for me! I have so much to be happy for! I'm alive! I'm a mother! I have people in my life who love me! I have work! I have LOVE! I am newly engaged to be married! I have wonderful plans for the future!

Link of the day:
http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20131031-a-flying-car-for-everyone

P.S. If you want to tell me what you're happy about or not happy about or just list things that make you happy or even things that make you angry: that'd be pretty cool.

So, we all get the call: C'mon, you're my friend, I need a little help in life.

And you go straight forward because as much as you know you accept the mission of being a good friend, you also know that any advice you can give: you need it too.

Here goes:

I'm so sorry for all the bullshit you go through. I really am. I know it doesn't change much (if anything at all) for you but I hope it helps to feel the care in the world. It really does exist and it seems like you haven't felt much of it in your lifetime. I know some situations never get better and in fact, are in a perpetual fucked up state. Which is when it becomes an inside job to accept that fucked-uppedness exists, but you can still be happy with life as a whole. I think, however, that whether you realize it or not: by your sheer act of reflection; you have changed your proposed life. At least that's the way I see it. I hope you see that too, because in my life being able to be optimistic has been an anchor to keep me from drifting. It's not for everyone, and I'm not trying to convince you. Just offering the possibility.

Heeh - and I just watched a TED talk about exactly that! We'll, sort of. You decide:

http://new.ted.com/talks/amy_cuddy_your_body_language_shapes_who_you_are

About this friend... Or 'friend' :)... However you see this person's functionality in your life.

It's a tough call, friendship. I mean it's almost never anything we need it to be and maybe only sometimes what we'd like it to be. Some friendships are like really bad long distance relationships: you trust them because you want to and you only have to see them on occasion. I mean. We all want trust in our lives and will do almost anything to trick ourselves into thinking we have it. And we always feel threatened when we think our trust is blown - trust is so tender.

I do have a few points I think you might be able to think about. You may take them or leave them, but I do think it would be beneficial for you to at least THINK on these theories. I hope I'm not giving advice... I don't like the idea of giving advice, I hope I'm proposing thoughts and ideas that make it possible for you to see your situation in a more three-dimensional light. I hope. :)

First: EVERYTHING people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them. It's never about us. It's not about you. Whatever this person has pushed on you in however manner it's happened: I assure you it was about her. She was not trying to hurt you... Or at least if she was trying to hurt you - it's still about her wanting to hurt SOMEONE and you seemed like an easy target. People want to hurt others for millions of reasons, and it would not benefit you to try to delve into her psyche to figure out why she might want to hurt someone. Just think about the possibility that she is wrapped up in her own life, as selfish (or maybe more?) as the rest of us, for whatever reason SHE has to interact with you she is really only thinking of herself. You really can't blame her for that. It's like ingrained in our brains (American brains for sure!) to "Put #1 first", "Take care of YOU then worry about the rest of the world", stuff like that. On some level, there is some weight in that philosophy for life. One of the side effects, however, is that often when we try so hard to protect ourselves and make sure "I am taken care of", we will, by default, hurt other people. And sometimes in order to take care of ourselves we see no other way than to hurt someone else. I'm sure you know what I mean by all that, but I'll give you a VERY simple example:

A homeless man has no shoes. Winter's coming. He NEEDS shoes or he will definitely suffer frost bite. He sees someone sleeping (think subway, bench, park, wherever, sometimes people like to snooze regardless of their public situation). They're wearing shoes that look to be his size. He starts to try to take the shoes off quickly without getting caught. It doesn't work. The shoe owner wakes up, and in a sleepy state, obviously startled, starts to swing fists. The homeless man, feeling his incredible need for shoes (mind you, he just wants shoes, he's not specifically targeting THAT individual - any shoes that will fit would do, but he's desperate), swings back.

You can take the end of the story anywhere you want to... It's not really about the outcome. It's about a human being who feels need so strongly that he simply and impulsively acts on filling that need. The need is so strong. He tries to fulfill that need without thought of harm at all, but through the sheer selfishness of need he will inevitably hurt the shoe owner.

What people do/say to us is ALWAYS about them and never about us. Sounds hokey. It's totally true. It's also a harsh reality, because once you realize that, you realize that every shitty thing you've done was about you: call someone stupid? <--- For whatever reason, it's about you, it's not about them being stupid (they may not even BE stupid).

Of course, it is important to say that the shoe wearer should DEFINITELY stick up for himself... He doesn't know what the homeless guy is up to. His life could be in danger.

I just want to make the point that JUST BECAUSE everything anyone else says/does to us is about them does NOT mean that we shouldn't stand up for ourselves. It's important to remember that. Maybe I'm broke and that's my only pair of shoes. Maybe that pair of shoes has sentimental value because it's the last thing my granny bought for me before she passed away...

Second: We all mess up. We all do things we're not proud of. We all have things we know we shouldn't have done. We all know we should have apologized. We all take that apology and sweep it under the rug to save our own self esteem.

Maybe the person I hurt doesn't remember. Maybe the person I hurt doesn't care, or has other things to think about. Maybe apologizing will just bring up bad blood, maybe I'm already forgiven and bringing things up now will just make it worse.

Regardless, it's good to remember that YOU, yes YOU, YOU have fucked up too. I don't know how, and I don't know when, and it's none of my business. I just know it's true because you're human. I have stories about things that I've done that make my blood run cold. I own my shame and I pick up my chin and realize that if I learned anything about that it's that I never want to do it agains(thanks, Mom).

I feel like the mere understanding that I am just as human as anyone else does not excuse anyone to behave badly, but it does give me the right to understand it. It does give me the right to forgive. It does give me the right to move along even if I keep my eye on them.

Third: The Chipped Plate Theory.

Here's another story. I know, I know, it may be a little gross to keep reading these ridiculous ideas of stories, but it's the best way I know how to relay the point I want to make.

The Chipped Plate Theory:

A woman is invited to her newly married best friend's house for a very swanky dinner party. Both the new groom's family and her best friend's family are present. It's a real who's who of the new couple's life. They are aiming to impress. They've hired an expensive chef, they've bought vintage champagne, they've brought out real silverware and polished silver sets, they even have a beautiful set of honest to goodness real china dinnerware. The whole thing is really very posh. Evening gowns, pinkies out, the whole shebang. Everything looks perfect.

They sit down at their places at the table. she removes her namecard to sit down, and realizes that her plate, like no other plate at the table, has a chip in it. She looks up at her friend for confirmation that SHE is the one who got the ONLY chipped plate. He friend looks at her and smiles. She counts the sitting: 11 people. A china set would have sitting for 12 people. She thinks her friend must think less of her than she thinks of anyone else at the party. Her memory serves her stories of her best friends's sister who did horrible things to her - her SISTER who she CANNOT stand who is HERE tonight and sitting right across the table from her and can see that she has a PERFECT plate! They all do! She thinks of all the dirt her 'best friend' has dished to her over the years about all these people. How could she ever do this to her, think less of her, give her the chipped plate. It's just a chipped plate, but it's more than that, she thinks: it's a representation of what she thinks of me. I wouldn't notice the chip in the plate because I'm simple minded and don't notice things. I wouldn't care about the chip in the plate because she doesn't think I have as much class as the rest of these people. Of course, give me the chipped plate, everyone else here is family - our friendship is not as strong as family.

Feeling lesser and lesser as dinner moves forward, the woman draws upon her anger. She would never think these heinous things about her friend! How dare she impose this on her: how dare she think less of her! It burns, it hurts, her trust is gone, she is on the verge of tears. It's only a chip, but it's more than a chip. It's a thought: the thought that of all the people there she DESERVED the ONLY chipped plate.

She is wounded.

After dinner everyone decides to stay for coffee. Never a poor sport, she decides to stay. She will find an opportunity to talk to her friend about this crime against their friendship. Everyone drinks their coffee. Some have had too much champagne and need help. She helps her friend provide for everyone. After everyone leaves, she offers to help with the dishes.

While they wash dishes she picks up the chipped plate. It's a sore reminder. She'd almost forgotten. She holds the plate in her hand. Steady. She says to her friend. "So. This was quite the night you and your husband put on. You guys left no detail unturned..." She begins to list the perfect night in detail. Her friend, very proudly says "Yeah, it really was perfect wasn't it?" She breathes. "Yes." Still holding the chipped plate, the now completely confirmed chipped plate (true, there WERE only 11 plates, but still), she breathes again. "I couldn't help but notice you gave ME the only imperfect detail of the evening: this chipped plate..." Trying to hold back tears, she breathes again and looks at her best friend thinking 'I would NEVER give YOU the chipped plate!' Her friend, her very best friend in the whole world looks back at her and says "Of course I gave YOU the chipped plate! You were the only person in the room who ISN'T an ASSHOLE! Anyone else here tonight would have announced to everyone that there's a chip in their plate and would have asked the whole party who serves perfect china with chips in the plates! I knew that you were the one person I could trust, the one person who could still enjoy a beautiful evening even if there was a chip in your plate." Her eyes widen, she had completely misinterpreted the whole thing. How ridiculous! Her friend trusts and loves her more than anyone there not to judge her, not to forsake her, not to embarrass her.

So. The Chipped Plate Theory... It's a very simple story about how we abuse the people we care for and trust the most because we trust them enough to allow them to see our faults. We trust them enough to give them our only chipped plate in an otherwise perfect dinner party.

We'd all like to think of our lives as a perfect dinner party, but life is NOT a perfect dinner party. Life is messy and we all have chipped plates. Sometimes we have no choice but to serve perfect food to a perfect crowd and still use a chipped plate. If we're lucky there's only one chipped plate, but I'm guessing any friend has many chipped plates. I'm also guessing that she'll trust you to take the chipped plate.

I'm speaking in metaphors, but I think you know what I mean.

Fourth: It COULD be an honest mistake. On her part or yours. Maybe she used you and she doesn't even realize it. Maybe she'll realize it in a few years, who knows. Maybe you are misreading the whole interaction and that's your honest mistake and you'll realize it in 20 years. Honest mistakes are really difficult because in all of their honesty, they're hard to figure out. You (or she, in this case) could go on for years without realizing anything was amiss, and then one day you (or she) will go 'Oh, shit, I totally messed that up.'

Finally: Regardless of all of that, you have to judge whether or not you want this person involved in your life. You don't want to be abused. You don't want to keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. You don't want to let yourself be let down.

You have to judge from one interaction to the next how you will proceed with this person. If you can find a way to interact without giving too much trust (or whatever it is you feel betrayed by), and you can continue to care and converse without risk, go for it. If you're going along and everything is fine, but you feel she asks too much or breeches your trust again it is COMPLETELY fine for you to say "No", or "I'm not comfortable doing that" or "I'm just not in a position where I can help you in that way". It then becomes HER prerogative to cut YOU out or not. If she does cut you out - good - a decision was made for you AND you know the true level of her sincerity of friendship. If you feel comfortable moving forward then you feel comfortable moving forward. If you don't feel comfortable, you should certainly speak up. There are ways to do that tactfully and still maintain loyalty to a friend.

I've given and given and given to friends before. Given until my trust was blown and my feelings were scarred, but at some point you have to stop and say "Wait. I don't deserve to feel this way." And at that point you can either move forward in the situation and find a way to be comfortable or you can realize that at this point in time there is no way for you to be comfortable in the situation and just distance yourself or outright tell the girl to fuck off.

It sounds like a tough situation, and I really am sorry you're dealing with it. I hope you find some sort of comfort zone or resolve.

I hope anything I've said is helpful.

Good luck! And don't forget to look for the positive and try to stay hopeful: don't let the chipped plate (even if it WAS served maliciously) ruin your happiness. You deserve happiness.

It means a lot that you would trust me with this. Hahah! And I hope you didn't get more than you bargained for in a bad way!

Thank you,

Misty

Link of the Day:

http://www.good.is/posts/see-the-difference-between-organic-and-natural?utm_medium=agt&utm_source=email&utm_campaign=img&utm_content=Another%20GOOD%20Thing%3A%20What%20Does%20%E2%80%9CNatural%E2%80%9D%20Really%20Mean%3F

From the Desk of Misty Miller

Saturday, November 8, 2014

Less is More? Sure.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Day 731: Sometimes my best advice for a friend is advice I needed all along

Friday, January 24, 2014

Day 1018:Insomnia, I laugh at you like you are the moon.